It was about 5:00 in the evening on a Friday in June, and I had a long list of errands. I was juggling half a dozen Fage yogurts, pancake mix, and a jar of spaghetti sauce in C-Town, as I craned my neck to scan the cereal boxes lined up on a shelf three inches too high for my 5'5 frame. I decided to head to the organic grocery store next door to see if they had my favorite Honey Bunches of Oats. As I made my way down the aisle towards the cash registers, I brushed past a tall guy wearing a blue shirt checking out the instant oatmeal on another shelf. I paused for a second, wondering if I could somehow reach up and grab a box without dropping all the groceries I had cradled precariously in both arms. As I tried to reach up for a box, Fage yogurt 1 of 6 began to wobble, and I said out loud, "Alright, bad idea." Just as I was about to walk away, someone said, "Need a hand?" I turned around to see the guy in the blue shirt looking at me with an easy smile. He's probably from California, I thought, taking in his deep tan and air of casual ease. "Umm thanks, just the Maple & Brown Sugar one." "Good choice," he said, with another quick smile. I flashed him a small smile in return, looked away, and lightly kicked the floor - my standard cute-boy-hope-he-doesn't-know-I-think-he's-cute reaction. Get a grip, it's just oatmeal, I scolded myself. Straightening up I composed my face and said, "I can take that," holding out my right arm and praying that I didn't drop everything on the floor. "I got this. I'm walking to the register anyway..." he replied, the corners of his mouth twitching as he suppressed a smile at my obvious struggle with the small tower of groceries I was cradling.
"Okay... thank you," I said and turned to quickly walk to the front. Dammit, I hissed under my breath. There was a line, mostly because of a lady who had tried to buy half the store and was now trying to decide which one of the ten cans of beans she wanted to return. I took a deep breath and tried not to focus on the fact that cute guy in blue shirt was right behind me, probably staring right at the back of my head. Is my hair okay? I wondered, resisting the urge to run a hand through my tousled hair. I snuck a peek at my outfit, glad that I decided to wear my favorite turquoise sun dress. Umm what are you doing, said my inner voice, rolling her eyes at me, cute guy in blue shirt is not checking out your dress. I sighed, wishing the line would move faster so I could get going, but mostly so I'd stop thinking about the guy in blue standing right behind me.
Finally, the cashier called out "Next!" and I gratefully unloaded my small army of yogurts onto the counter. "Together?" the lady asked. "Huh?" I looked up distractedly as I tried to rummage through my bag for my wallet. "You two together?" she repeated patiently. I looked over and realized that cute-guy- in-blue-shirt (CGIBS) had set down my oatmeal on the counter and was still standing there, with easy smile fixed in place. "Uh no, we're not together," I replied, and stole a quick glance at him, only to catch him smile-smirking again, and I quickly looked away, busying myself in my quest for my elusive wallet. After what seemed like an eternity, I located my credit card and swiped it, keeping my gaze firmly on the cash register and trying not to sneak a look at CGIBS. "Thank you and have a great day!" said the cashier lady with a smile, as she handed me my receipt and I grabbed my bag. "You too!" I replied, "And thanks!" I said in the general direction of CGIBS. Outside the store, the warm air hit my face and I exhaled loudly. Well that's that, I thought and went into the store next door...
I was in the pasta aisle when I saw a flash of blue out of the corner of my eye. I looked up and saw CGIBS at the other end of the aisle, examining the organic pears. Oh crap, I thought, what's he doing here? and turned my back to him. Shopping, duh, said my inner voice snippily. Maybe if I stay here and stare at the pasta, he won't notice me. Yeah right, the voice retorted, because you are totally blending in with the pasta in your bright turquoise dress. As I pretended to be totally absorbed in reading the nutrition facts on a packet of angel hair pasta, I noticed the blue blur moving down the aisle. "Anything from the top shelf?" said CGIBS, and I looked over with a oh-I-didn't-see-you-there expression. "Haha, thank you, I'm good." "You got some help this time huh," he nodded at the shopping basket by my feet. "Yeah, I didn't want to drop anything," I said lamely, and then grabbed my basket, flashed him a quick smile and made my way to the cashier.
As I stood in line again, it took ALL my willpower to not turn my head to see if CGIBS was in line too. I paid for my groceries again, looking straight ahead the whole time, resisting the urge to take a teeny tiny little peek around the store to see if he was there. I grabbed my bags and walked out of the automatic doors, pretty proud of myself for not looking back, and made my way up the street to Duane Reade...
I was in line for the third time when it happened. I was surreptitiously scanning the covers of the gossip rags when I felt, rather I sensed something, and looked up. And there he was. CGIBS. With the now familiar smile, though he looked a bit sheepish. "We gotta stop meeting like this," he said, running a hand through his hair. "Oh yeah, well how should we meet then?" I said brazenly, taking myself by surprise. Nice! said my inner voice appreciatively. "Maybe at Starbucks? Like the one next door," he said with another smirk-smile. "Sure," I shrugged casually and smiled back, while doing cartwheels mentally. You go girl! high-fived my inner voice. I tried to breathe evenly as I waited to pay for the last of my day's loot. I kept peeking at my face in the reflection on my phone, wondering if I needed another coat of lip balm. Then before I knew it, I had my bags and was on my way outside to wait for CGIBS. He finished paying for his vitamin water and ginormous bag of pop chips (jalapeno flavored - I noticed with approval) and as he came out of the sliding doors, he flashed me that big, bright smile again, and I had to resist the urge to burst into a big, silly, goofy, happy smile.
The walk to the Starbucks next door was about 1.5 minutes, but it felt like 1.5 hours instead. He held the door open for me, "After you," he said with an exaggerated bow. "Thank you," I said and giggled. My inner voice raised an eyebrow at me, Giggling? Really? I shook my head and tried to go for a soft-smile-slightly-aloof-expression, but when I saw him smile at me with his twinkly blue eyes, I couldn't resist and smiled back. "Hi," I said. "Hi yourself," he replied tilting his head. "I'm Leo by the way," he added, extending his hand. "H____," I said shaking his hand. "You weren't following me were you?" he asked, and I looked up at him horrified, only to see him smirk smiling at me. "Noooo, maybe YOU were following ME," I said. "If I was, and I'm not admitting that I was, I'm sure glad I did," he replied cheekily. I laughed and did the side-head-tilting thing I only do when I'm kinda smitten+feeling a bit shy, and he mimicked me with another smile. "So coffee or....?" he asked when we got to front of the line. "I'll have some tea. Early Grey. With honey please," I said. "And a tall iced coffee with sugar," he added whipping out his credit card and handing it to the barista. "Let me. Please," he said seeing my expression and before I could get any words out of my mouth to protest. Seeing the amused look on his face, I caved. We made our way to the tiny little table at the front of the store to wait for our drinks.
"So you do this often?" he asked with another smirk-smile. "What, have tea? Yes. Twice a day, every day," I said saucily. He laughed and said, "No, have tea with perfect strangers you meet in grocery stores." "No, only the ones with nice arms." I quipped back, kinda shocked at myself. "Oh so you're saying I have nice arms?" he said with another smirk smile. "Yeah and nice legs," I said cheekily, laughing at his astonished expression. "You... you are something else," he said shaking his head at me. "So what about you huh, you go around asking girls out in grocery stores?" I teased right back. "I was kinda afraid you'd say no you know," he said twirling a leftover straw wrapper on the table. "And why's that," I asked. "Well... cause of the tomatoes," he replied. "The tomatoes??" I blinked, confused. "I saw you picking tomatoes at the organic store. You examined each one so closely and only three made it to your basket. I can't even imagine how rejected the rest felt," he explained. I threw my head back and laughed. Really really laughed like I hadn't in a while. As I ran my hand threw my hair and smiled at him, he grinned right back. "Leo?? Earl Grey and an Iced Coffee!" called out the barista and CGI... I mean Leo, got up to get our drinks.
As we sipped our drinks, my hot tea and his icy coffee, we exchanged vitals: backgrounds, hometowns (he was surprised to hear about mine, but then everyone always is), schools, jobs etc. I was surprised to hear that he was kind of an artist, and he in turn was impressed that I knew what a "maquette" was. We both loved dark chocolate and hated reality tv. He loved cooking like I did, and I was fascinated by graphic art which was his thing. Before I knew it, an hour and a half had gone by, and we were still talking about everything and anything. Then I glanced outside and saw that it was staring to get dark, and reluctantly I said, "Hey... it's getting late..." not really wanting the moment to end. He turned around in his seat to look outside, turned back at me and said, "Yes. Brilliant deduction Watson!" I laughed. Of course, he reads Sherlock Holmes too, I thought shaking my head. I began to gather my bags, all six of them, from under the table. "So uhhh... this was fun," he said, and I glanced up to see him running his hand through his hair. "A lot of fun. I'm glad you followed you me to Duane Reade," I laughed. "I'm glad you followed me in here," he quipped right back as I threw our empty cups into the trash.
I transferred all my bags to my left hand, grabbed my purse and then I stuck out my hand, "It was really really nice to meet you Leo," I said, smiling at him. "Likewise," he said quickly, taking my hand, but not shaking it. I paused and saw him swallow, and he ran his other hand through his hair again. He does that when he's nervous, I realized. "So maybe you'll follow me here again?" he asked hopefully. I felt a lump in my throat as I looked at him. There was no easy way to do this... You can't, said my inner voice gently. But, but, I thought, he's... No, said the voice firmly. Okay, I thought sadly, still holding his hand, finding it extra hard to look into his earnest blue eyes. "So uh, can I, get your number, so I can follow you somewhere again H?" he asked with a small smile. "I uh... I don't do numbers," I said, not quite looking at him, trying to ignore the tightening inside my stomach. "Why?" he asked, his face suddenly serious. "I just... don't," I whispered, wondering why my vision blurred as I looked down at the slightly scuffed floor. "Soo... I'm just going to be a one-coffee stand?" he said, forcing a laugh, but I could hear it in his voice. I swallowed and looked up, "Yeah, but it's the best one-coffee stand of your life," I tried to joke back. He was still holding my hand, and I wasn't trying to let go of his either. In that moment, a thousand thoughts flashed through my head. Images of me, him... of us. Of what could be... That's not the only what if, reminded the voice gently. With a heavy heart, I gently pulled my hand back, surprised by how hard it was to do that. When I looked up again, his face was serious, the playful smile was gone. In it's place was a look of concern, intermingled with flashes of confusion that I could see in his eyes, and he kept running his hand through his hair. "Want to walk me to the end of the street?" I asked, and he exhaled loudly, and then nodded. We walked out in silence, with serious faces. A stark contrast to the two people who had walked in a mere two hours ago. Maybe, he's... I thought. No, you cannot take that chance, interrupted the inner voice sternly, Not ever again. Ever. There's such a finality to that word. Like a full stop. A dead end.
We got to the end of the street, and I turned to look at him. Wow, why is this painful, I thought as I felt my heart clench. His face was serious, almost distraught, and I could see him thinking a thousand things. Wondering why. It's better this way, said the inner voice. Is it? I thought angrily. Yes. For you anyway, said the voice. "Well I guess this is goodbye," I said, trying to smile at him, my vision blurring again. "Till the next time you follow me into a grocery store," he said, trying to keep it light, but I could see it in his eyes. "Till then..." I relented. He smiled, and that's when I saw it in his face. Hope. I reached up to give him a quick hug, but he wrapped me into a bear hug. It took all my willpower to pull back, and look back up at his face. Hopefully not for the last time, I found myself thinking and maybe I imagined it, but I saw the same look mirrored in his eyes. "Bye," I managed to say, despite the tightness in my throat. "Later H," he said with a soft smile. And I turned and started walking in the other direction. I felt a drop of water on my cheek, and then another, and another. Rain, I realized, of course. Tears from the sky came down, faster now and I fumbled for my umbrella, taking deep breaths to steady myself, and kept walking. In the rain. Just before I crossed the street, I turned and saw a flash of blue disappearing around the corner at the other end. Maybe someday, I thought, maybe...
"Okay... thank you," I said and turned to quickly walk to the front. Dammit, I hissed under my breath. There was a line, mostly because of a lady who had tried to buy half the store and was now trying to decide which one of the ten cans of beans she wanted to return. I took a deep breath and tried not to focus on the fact that cute guy in blue shirt was right behind me, probably staring right at the back of my head. Is my hair okay? I wondered, resisting the urge to run a hand through my tousled hair. I snuck a peek at my outfit, glad that I decided to wear my favorite turquoise sun dress. Umm what are you doing, said my inner voice, rolling her eyes at me, cute guy in blue shirt is not checking out your dress. I sighed, wishing the line would move faster so I could get going, but mostly so I'd stop thinking about the guy in blue standing right behind me.
Finally, the cashier called out "Next!" and I gratefully unloaded my small army of yogurts onto the counter. "Together?" the lady asked. "Huh?" I looked up distractedly as I tried to rummage through my bag for my wallet. "You two together?" she repeated patiently. I looked over and realized that cute-guy- in-blue-shirt (CGIBS) had set down my oatmeal on the counter and was still standing there, with easy smile fixed in place. "Uh no, we're not together," I replied, and stole a quick glance at him, only to catch him smile-smirking again, and I quickly looked away, busying myself in my quest for my elusive wallet. After what seemed like an eternity, I located my credit card and swiped it, keeping my gaze firmly on the cash register and trying not to sneak a look at CGIBS. "Thank you and have a great day!" said the cashier lady with a smile, as she handed me my receipt and I grabbed my bag. "You too!" I replied, "And thanks!" I said in the general direction of CGIBS. Outside the store, the warm air hit my face and I exhaled loudly. Well that's that, I thought and went into the store next door...
I was in the pasta aisle when I saw a flash of blue out of the corner of my eye. I looked up and saw CGIBS at the other end of the aisle, examining the organic pears. Oh crap, I thought, what's he doing here? and turned my back to him. Shopping, duh, said my inner voice snippily. Maybe if I stay here and stare at the pasta, he won't notice me. Yeah right, the voice retorted, because you are totally blending in with the pasta in your bright turquoise dress. As I pretended to be totally absorbed in reading the nutrition facts on a packet of angel hair pasta, I noticed the blue blur moving down the aisle. "Anything from the top shelf?" said CGIBS, and I looked over with a oh-I-didn't-see-you-there expression. "Haha, thank you, I'm good." "You got some help this time huh," he nodded at the shopping basket by my feet. "Yeah, I didn't want to drop anything," I said lamely, and then grabbed my basket, flashed him a quick smile and made my way to the cashier.
As I stood in line again, it took ALL my willpower to not turn my head to see if CGIBS was in line too. I paid for my groceries again, looking straight ahead the whole time, resisting the urge to take a teeny tiny little peek around the store to see if he was there. I grabbed my bags and walked out of the automatic doors, pretty proud of myself for not looking back, and made my way up the street to Duane Reade...
I was in line for the third time when it happened. I was surreptitiously scanning the covers of the gossip rags when I felt, rather I sensed something, and looked up. And there he was. CGIBS. With the now familiar smile, though he looked a bit sheepish. "We gotta stop meeting like this," he said, running a hand through his hair. "Oh yeah, well how should we meet then?" I said brazenly, taking myself by surprise. Nice! said my inner voice appreciatively. "Maybe at Starbucks? Like the one next door," he said with another smirk-smile. "Sure," I shrugged casually and smiled back, while doing cartwheels mentally. You go girl! high-fived my inner voice. I tried to breathe evenly as I waited to pay for the last of my day's loot. I kept peeking at my face in the reflection on my phone, wondering if I needed another coat of lip balm. Then before I knew it, I had my bags and was on my way outside to wait for CGIBS. He finished paying for his vitamin water and ginormous bag of pop chips (jalapeno flavored - I noticed with approval) and as he came out of the sliding doors, he flashed me that big, bright smile again, and I had to resist the urge to burst into a big, silly, goofy, happy smile.
The walk to the Starbucks next door was about 1.5 minutes, but it felt like 1.5 hours instead. He held the door open for me, "After you," he said with an exaggerated bow. "Thank you," I said and giggled. My inner voice raised an eyebrow at me, Giggling? Really? I shook my head and tried to go for a soft-smile-slightly-aloof-expression, but when I saw him smile at me with his twinkly blue eyes, I couldn't resist and smiled back. "Hi," I said. "Hi yourself," he replied tilting his head. "I'm Leo by the way," he added, extending his hand. "H____," I said shaking his hand. "You weren't following me were you?" he asked, and I looked up at him horrified, only to see him smirk smiling at me. "Noooo, maybe YOU were following ME," I said. "If I was, and I'm not admitting that I was, I'm sure glad I did," he replied cheekily. I laughed and did the side-head-tilting thing I only do when I'm kinda smitten+feeling a bit shy, and he mimicked me with another smile. "So coffee or....?" he asked when we got to front of the line. "I'll have some tea. Early Grey. With honey please," I said. "And a tall iced coffee with sugar," he added whipping out his credit card and handing it to the barista. "Let me. Please," he said seeing my expression and before I could get any words out of my mouth to protest. Seeing the amused look on his face, I caved. We made our way to the tiny little table at the front of the store to wait for our drinks.
"So you do this often?" he asked with another smirk-smile. "What, have tea? Yes. Twice a day, every day," I said saucily. He laughed and said, "No, have tea with perfect strangers you meet in grocery stores." "No, only the ones with nice arms." I quipped back, kinda shocked at myself. "Oh so you're saying I have nice arms?" he said with another smirk smile. "Yeah and nice legs," I said cheekily, laughing at his astonished expression. "You... you are something else," he said shaking his head at me. "So what about you huh, you go around asking girls out in grocery stores?" I teased right back. "I was kinda afraid you'd say no you know," he said twirling a leftover straw wrapper on the table. "And why's that," I asked. "Well... cause of the tomatoes," he replied. "The tomatoes??" I blinked, confused. "I saw you picking tomatoes at the organic store. You examined each one so closely and only three made it to your basket. I can't even imagine how rejected the rest felt," he explained. I threw my head back and laughed. Really really laughed like I hadn't in a while. As I ran my hand threw my hair and smiled at him, he grinned right back. "Leo?? Earl Grey and an Iced Coffee!" called out the barista and CGI... I mean Leo, got up to get our drinks.
As we sipped our drinks, my hot tea and his icy coffee, we exchanged vitals: backgrounds, hometowns (he was surprised to hear about mine, but then everyone always is), schools, jobs etc. I was surprised to hear that he was kind of an artist, and he in turn was impressed that I knew what a "maquette" was. We both loved dark chocolate and hated reality tv. He loved cooking like I did, and I was fascinated by graphic art which was his thing. Before I knew it, an hour and a half had gone by, and we were still talking about everything and anything. Then I glanced outside and saw that it was staring to get dark, and reluctantly I said, "Hey... it's getting late..." not really wanting the moment to end. He turned around in his seat to look outside, turned back at me and said, "Yes. Brilliant deduction Watson!" I laughed. Of course, he reads Sherlock Holmes too, I thought shaking my head. I began to gather my bags, all six of them, from under the table. "So uhhh... this was fun," he said, and I glanced up to see him running his hand through his hair. "A lot of fun. I'm glad you followed you me to Duane Reade," I laughed. "I'm glad you followed me in here," he quipped right back as I threw our empty cups into the trash.
I transferred all my bags to my left hand, grabbed my purse and then I stuck out my hand, "It was really really nice to meet you Leo," I said, smiling at him. "Likewise," he said quickly, taking my hand, but not shaking it. I paused and saw him swallow, and he ran his other hand through his hair again. He does that when he's nervous, I realized. "So maybe you'll follow me here again?" he asked hopefully. I felt a lump in my throat as I looked at him. There was no easy way to do this... You can't, said my inner voice gently. But, but, I thought, he's... No, said the voice firmly. Okay, I thought sadly, still holding his hand, finding it extra hard to look into his earnest blue eyes. "So uh, can I, get your number, so I can follow you somewhere again H?" he asked with a small smile. "I uh... I don't do numbers," I said, not quite looking at him, trying to ignore the tightening inside my stomach. "Why?" he asked, his face suddenly serious. "I just... don't," I whispered, wondering why my vision blurred as I looked down at the slightly scuffed floor. "Soo... I'm just going to be a one-coffee stand?" he said, forcing a laugh, but I could hear it in his voice. I swallowed and looked up, "Yeah, but it's the best one-coffee stand of your life," I tried to joke back. He was still holding my hand, and I wasn't trying to let go of his either. In that moment, a thousand thoughts flashed through my head. Images of me, him... of us. Of what could be... That's not the only what if, reminded the voice gently. With a heavy heart, I gently pulled my hand back, surprised by how hard it was to do that. When I looked up again, his face was serious, the playful smile was gone. In it's place was a look of concern, intermingled with flashes of confusion that I could see in his eyes, and he kept running his hand through his hair. "Want to walk me to the end of the street?" I asked, and he exhaled loudly, and then nodded. We walked out in silence, with serious faces. A stark contrast to the two people who had walked in a mere two hours ago. Maybe, he's... I thought. No, you cannot take that chance, interrupted the inner voice sternly, Not ever again. Ever. There's such a finality to that word. Like a full stop. A dead end.
We got to the end of the street, and I turned to look at him. Wow, why is this painful, I thought as I felt my heart clench. His face was serious, almost distraught, and I could see him thinking a thousand things. Wondering why. It's better this way, said the inner voice. Is it? I thought angrily. Yes. For you anyway, said the voice. "Well I guess this is goodbye," I said, trying to smile at him, my vision blurring again. "Till the next time you follow me into a grocery store," he said, trying to keep it light, but I could see it in his eyes. "Till then..." I relented. He smiled, and that's when I saw it in his face. Hope. I reached up to give him a quick hug, but he wrapped me into a bear hug. It took all my willpower to pull back, and look back up at his face. Hopefully not for the last time, I found myself thinking and maybe I imagined it, but I saw the same look mirrored in his eyes. "Bye," I managed to say, despite the tightness in my throat. "Later H," he said with a soft smile. And I turned and started walking in the other direction. I felt a drop of water on my cheek, and then another, and another. Rain, I realized, of course. Tears from the sky came down, faster now and I fumbled for my umbrella, taking deep breaths to steady myself, and kept walking. In the rain. Just before I crossed the street, I turned and saw a flash of blue disappearing around the corner at the other end. Maybe someday, I thought, maybe...
---
"Remember, Red. Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things,
and no good thing ever dies..."
- Shawshank Redemption
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